Well douche your snatch and let's go!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
