watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
