as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
