when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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