I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
