I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
