I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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