I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
