i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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