i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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