My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
