The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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