ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
