btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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