Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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