Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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