If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
