Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
