genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
