yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
