When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
