At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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