when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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