Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
