i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
