I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
