I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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