I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
