I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
