it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
