im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
