Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Someone came in the potted fern
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
