it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
