I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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