Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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