dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
