My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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