Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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