I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
