omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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