giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
