i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
