anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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