it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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