I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
