I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she looked like the before picture.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
