she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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