Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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