I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
