Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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