my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
