Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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