Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
