Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize