just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
