you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
