Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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