i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
